This year when I read that, it broke my heart. There is no replacement for a dad. No single mom pulling double duty can ever fill the shoes a father should. A father plays a special role in a child's life that can't be handed off to a mom. I am choosing to define a father, not just as the man who shares his DNA with the child, but as the man who is fully invested in the child's life. The man who both cares about and cares for this child. The man who this child can rely on for support and trust to meet their needs. The man who is present, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually present in this child's life. This might be a biological dad, a foster dad, a step-dad, an uncle, a grandpa, a brother, whoever!
It's been statistically proven over and over that children with involved dad's simply do better in all areas of their life. 85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes. This is 20 times the national average. (Center for Disease Control) 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. This is 20 times the national average. (U.S. Department of Justice)
“Without two parents, working together as a team, the child has more difficulty learning the combination of empathy, reciprocity, fairness and self-command that people ordinarily take for granted. If the child does not learn this at home, society will have to manage his behavior in some other way. He may have to be rehabilitated, incarcerated, or otherwise restrained. In this case, prisons will substitute for parents.” (Morse, Jennifer Roback. “Parents or Prisons.” Policy Review, 2003)
Ok, read that last part again. Prisons will substitute for parents. Take that in for a second. I don't throw all these statistics and quotes at you to say that without a father a child has no hope. I certainly don't believe that. But it has been shown time and time again, that children with both an involved mother AND father do better emotionally, academically, socially, and financially. If you'd like more statistics or articles, just google something along the lines of "involved dad statistics".
As a mom, I can live by example and show my son what love, respect, responsibility, and selflessness look like. I can teach him skills he needs to be successful in life. But I cannot be two people. I cannot be a mother and a father. I can pull double duty and take care of my son. I can love him more than anyone else in the world. But I cannot take the place of a father in his life. I cannot be a male role model. I believe that because of the many positive figures my son has in his life, he will be successful in every sense of the word. My dad and two brothers have stepped up to fill the father role as best they can in his life.
I have joked about needing to meet someone so they can teach my son how to do "boy things" like throw a football and fix cars. In reality, I could learn to do those things and teach him myself. He probably won't end up an NFL quarterback or know everything there is to know about cars, but if I really tried I could teach him how to do pretty much any silly thing like that. But those are not the things that will make my son a successful man.
To any moms, single or otherwise, reading this, please don't think I am diminishing your role in anyway. Your child needs you just as much as they need a father. Your role is just as crucial to their social and emotional development. You are needed and you are appreciated!!
My cry and my plea is to the dad's out there reading this. Be an active presence in your child's life. Tell them you love them. Tell them they are wonderful. Respect their mothers, even when it's hard. Be a responsible example to them. Be the kind of person you want them to be. None of us are perfect, and we will all make mistakes as parents. But show your child how to handle those mistakes. Apologize when necessary. Make hard decisions. Be a leader. Be a dad. Your kids need you.
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